my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
