Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
