i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
