her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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