Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
