he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
