'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
