and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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