This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
