Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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