she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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