Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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