When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
