i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
