Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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