I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
