so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
