I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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