he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
