He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
