so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
