Barsexuality is the new black.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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