By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
