There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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