Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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