8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
