I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
