made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
50% drunk capacity currently
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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