walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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