My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
