I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
