the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
