you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think my moral compass just broke
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
