but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
