took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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