do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
