but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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