I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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