i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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