The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
