he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
