I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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