I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just google imaged poop.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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