Someone shit on the floor
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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