im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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