tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
