Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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