Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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