Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is Oprah even human
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
