I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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