im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
where are my eyebrows?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
